Men notice women. Women notice men. We’re wired to notice the opposite sex, and to experience attraction when we do. We couldn’t shut it down if we tried.
There is, of course, considerable social convention layered atop this natural behavior: ogling is considered rude and childish, and staring is considered creepy. So those of us who wish to co-exist comfortably in society don’t ogle or stare.
There are exceptions, of course; catching and holding someone’s gaze across a crowded bar is an accepted means of signaling interest, and it’s not out of line to ogle when the intent is humor or a good-natured compliment.
But there are additional patterns we see in other-gender-watching that inform our understanding of Grown-Ass. Let’s talk about them a bit.
In her youth, every woman grows accustomed to catching the eyes of young men. It happens all day long, every day, and continues well into adulthood. And most of the time, if she makes eye contact with the young man, he will rapidly look away; he does not want to get caught checking her out. This becomes a default for both the attractive woman and the man whose eye she’s caught.
We can learn a lot from this. In the young man, the rapid looking-away is a denial of the attraction, an indication of embarrassment or even shame; he is abdicating responsibility for his attraction, and buying into a weak fake-macho that says, I don’t check you out; you check me out!
That’s not the way of a mature man.
The Grown-Ass Man sees a woman who arrests his attention and owns his attraction. He looks at that woman with interest and lets her appearance and emotion inform him. He takes that moment and permits himself to learn about her as he observes her.
The Grown-Ass Man is about more than a gorgeous face and healthy tits. He’s watching how she carries herself, appreciating what her presentation to the world says about her. He understands the difference between sizing a woman up and assessing her. And he is self-aware enough to consciously ponder what it is about her, apart from her ass, that has grabbed his attention.
Now comes the moment of truth. She knows she’s being watched, and she looks his way.
Ninety-nine out of 100 men will look away, or if they’re really dull-witted, offer a goofy smile and nod and then look away. Even if she is indeed attracted to him, this behavior will kill it dead – he instantly becomes a disappointment.
But not the Grown-Ass Man.
The mature man is untroubled. He doesn’t miss a beat. He doesn’t look away; he holds her gaze. He isn’t leering or ogling; he’s appreciating. He has spotted a woman who’s worth a moment of his attention, and that appreciation is clear in his expression. It may be a sexual appreciation to some degree, but no Grown-Ass Man leaves it at that; the mature man looks for much more in a woman, and women of substance understand that it doesn’t take weeks of dating to express who they are to the world; they do it in the way they walk, the movement of their eyes, how they interact with others. The mature man learns to look for that substance and read those gestures.
Eye contact, then, between a Grown-Ass Man and a Grown-Ass Woman: it is a moment, not an encounter, so it needs to remain a moment. He will give her the slightest of smiles, saying with his eyes, simply, Hello. You look very nice.
He then does the gracious thing; he opens up space for her response. She may prolong the moment, she may look away, she may even approach, or through her body language suggest that he do so. Whatever happens, it happens in that space he opens up for her. He does not advance and he doesn’t end the moment.
She looks away.
The Grown-Ass Man then breaks contact. Let’s face it, if she looks up again and he’s still looking at her, that crosses the line into creepy.
Now here’s where you just can’t figure a woman: if you’re still looking at her, it’s creepy – but if she looks back at you and your attention is elsewhere, she’s disappointed (assuming she enjoyed your brief moment of contact).
The Grown-Ass Woman, if she’s interested, knows how all of the above works, and with his behavior, the Grown-Ass Man has asserted just that – he's an adult, not a boy. The Grown-Ass Woman will repeat the contact in reverse, a few moments later, letting her eye be caught by him, and holding his gaze. This is a wordless permission to approach.
Give this a try.
- When you’re out in the world, notice more than just a woman’s body and face; be consciously aware of her carriage and body language, letting it speak to you;
- Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed by your attraction; own it – it doesn’t weaken you, it informs who you are;
- Open space for any woman with whom you make wordless contact; never, ever exploit such a moment, never try to dominate – just offer her options by pausing;
- If nothing comes of such a moment, don’t let that trouble you – just enjoy it!
It needs to be said that just as guys are girl-watchers, girls are guy-watchers – and they, too, are furtive, making certain they don’t get caught at it. But it’s very different than what the immature guy is doing. She isn’t at all ashamed of her attraction and she’s not in denial of anything; she understands the ways in which the masculine and feminine roles differ in the dance. And while she feels attraction and enjoys it as much as you do, she knows that if she wants an encounter with a Grown-Ass Man, rather than an immature guy, her role is to attract, not pursue.
One final note: if you undertake this experiment and let your eye be caught, handling it in Grown-Ass Man fashion, you’re going to be a surprise to the woman you’ve noticed – she seldom experiences the calm, confident reaction you’re offering by holding her gaze for that brief instant. It will be a pleasant surprise, because you’re then going to send her a positive, unthreatening message through your eye contact. Almost all the time, this moment will be fleeting – but it will be invigorating to you both. And the more moments like this you create, the more confident and self-aware you’ll become, and the more sensitive you’ll be to the way women wordlessly express themselves.
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