We can’t do it alone.
And that’s what many ADD adults do – they try to tough it out, they try to handle all the burning bowling pins of ADD on their own – and they crash and burn, over and over.
We can’t do it alone. We need help to get ourselves together and stay that way. We don’t fully realize that it’s that way for everyone, not just us: people need each other, people have to accept help in order to make life work as it should.
For me, this began many years ago, after my first divorce. At the time, I had never heard of ADHD and only vaguely realized that I was very different from most people. I tried to cover up my break-up as best I could. But I tumbled deep into dysphoria – the anxiety storm – and my best friend at the time, a fellow musician with whom I played in a band, tossed me over his shoulder and moved me into his home with his family.
And it was there that I experienced, for the first time, the one thing without which an ADD adult cannot make their way – someone who sees us as we really are, is willing to accept us that way, and will give us the help and encouragement we need.
I’m not talking about my musician friend here, though our friendship was truly life-changing in many ways: I’m talking about his wife, who saw beyond my anxiety storm and self-doubt, and gave me daily nudges to reach beyond my struggle and recover those things that gave me strength and energy – my commitment to my kids, my pride in my work, the music and the books that inspired me.
This was no casual thing. In hindsight, I realized that her patient support had not been incidental, but very intentional, even determined: she made a decision to commit time and effort to my healing, and it worked. She engaged me regularly in conversations that made me think. She exposed me to new ideas, which are my daily bread. She noticed and commented on every positive effort I made. My dysphoria ended, I began writing again, and I was able to begin the work of adapting to a new reality with my kids. When my ex came back not long after, wanting to reconcile, I was strong enough to say, ‘I don’t think that’s best.’
I moved into my own place the following year, and my life proceeded. My musician friend and his wife divorced. It is no surprise that she became a very successful therapist.
Flash-forward more than 20 years: I’ve learned about my ADD, made significant life changes, done CBT. I experience a wonderful long-term relationship with a terrific woman, and she puts a name to that amazing gift I first experienced half a lifetime ago.
She calls herself the Scott Whisperer.
She knows about my ADD, even if she doesn’t fully understand it, and she encourages me daily, keeping me focused, staying up to speed on each of my projects, smoothing over my moments of self-doubt. She asks questions about what I’m working on, what I’m thinking, what I’m studying. She brings an order and energy to my creativity and hyperfocus. And in the midst of this, she wisely cultivates fun and adventure for us to share.
A Scott Whisperer. My life went from a comfy amusement to a super-charged adventure. I became more productive and purposeful, by far, than I’d ever been.
She’s no longer here, and that’s on me – but she taught me how to make the most of my gifts, and the importance of a whisperer.
And remembered my first whisperer.
I’ve reconnected with her, and the years have only made what was good before that much better today. Now we are whisperers to one another, and that means everything to me.
Do you have a whisperer? Someone to give you daily encouragement, someone willing to work to understand those things that make you different, patient enough to walk alongside you when you’re struggling? If you don’t, make it a priority to seek out such a person:
“You’ve been so patient, listening as I’ve described myself and my life! I want you to know how much I value your input and supportiveness. It would mean a lot to me if you’d keep it coming, and help me stay on track. Sometimes I don’t have my priorities straight, and I’d appreciate you nudging me when I need it. Your encouragement means the world to me!”
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