When I was a kid, growing up immersed in Midwestern Fundamentalism, we had to be pretty innovative in seeking out fun. We spent an astounding amount of time actually sitting in church – far, far more than any contemporary families do today: Sunday morning service, Sunday evening service, Wednesday evening service, weekly youth group, weekly Bible study, choir practice.
You can imagine.
To pass this time, we had a number of games tucked away, many of which were filled with sort of reckless daring that causes Flick to freeze his tongue to the flagpole in A Christmas Story. The best of these, we would play during the services in the sanctuary – during the sermon.
My father was the pastor, so this was all the more daring for me personally: if I were to laugh out loud during the sermon, my father would stop preaching, call me out in front of the entire congregation, and make me come sit on the front pew. Talk about your walk of shame! The all-time greatest game: Under the Sheets.
This was back in the days before praise choruses, when the pews held hymnals filled with old worship songs. To play, you just picked up a hymnal, opened it randomly, and added the words “...Under the Sheets” to whatever title presented. Then you had to try not to laugh out loud.
The pacesetters, of course, you can guess without even tracking down a hymnal. “How Great Thou Art” leads the field, with “Count Your Blessings” and “I Need Thee Every Hour” hovering just beneath.
“Abide with Me”, “O Happy Day” and “All Praise to Thee” rank high, with “How Sweet Are the Tidings” and “Thine Be the Glory” garnering strong honorable mentions.
The older one gets, of course, the funnier the game becomes, as dawning sexual awareness opens up new layers of entendre. “Hold Fast till I Come” is more than a 14-year-old can stand, while “Have Thine Own Way” and “I Surrender All” strongly suggest a certain role-playing supplication (the UK offers the variation “Brother, Let Me Be Your Servant”). “We Gather Together” and “Blest Be the Ties That Binds” border on outright kink.
As we grew up, hymns faded away as praise choruses took hold, offering an entirely new canon. Bill Gaither got this rolling with “He Touched Me”, and the Christian music industry’s annual refresh of content kept the hits rolling: “Draw Me Close to You” and “Amazing Love” were somewhat tame, but “He Has Made Me Glad” and “Worthy, You Are Worthy” would draw a snicker. “You Are So Good to Me” and “You Are My All in All” can be all the funnier depending on who’s sitting next to you, and “I’m Forever Grateful” goes unspurned.
Myself, I’m old school – I always come home to the classics. So I’ll leave it with my personal favorite: “O for a Thousand Tongues”...
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