We like to think our lives are defined by the Big Things that inhabit it. Our faith. Our convictions. Our politics. Our values.
That’s an easy case to make, of course, and it’s emotionally satisfying in the bargain: it gives us an attractive façade; it imparts a boost of pride; it establishes convenient boundaries.
But our lives are, underneath, defined very differently. Who I Am to the world is largely about the Big Things, to be sure; but Who I Am Really is about little things.
Our lives have many pieces – and as with cars and cell phones and televisions, the little pieces are as important or more as the big ones; remove a couple, and the car or the cell phone or the television no longer works.
The little pieces of our lives often go unnoticed, sometimes even by us, their hosts; but they matter – if they went away, our lives would stop working as they should, as we need them to.
Our pieces are often very simple, even innocuous. They’re unobtrusive, and may not seem important. But we can’t do without them.
A favorite coffee cup. The picture on the wall behind us that we seldom actually look at. The old sweater we choose over the new shirt.
The banter in our social media, from those who make us smile or think or roll our eyes. The pet that cozies up to us and snuggles. The song we’ve always loved that pops up on the radio.
The not-so-healthy snack we indulge in. The view of the sunset from our porch. The random, for-no-reason text from our Somebody Special.
These are the pieces of our lives. These are the things that define us, that tell us who we really are when no one’s looking. The things we cherish, by choice or not, are portraits of our hearts. They decorate our memories; they safeguard our feelings; they keep us grounded. These are the things we can truly count on, beyond the vagaries of our social habitats.
Our faith and our values and our politics are important, to be sure, and deserving of our careful attention. They do communicate to others who we are. But they are not the whole story.
When we choose a new friend, we absorb the outerwear of their convictions; but we then proceed, often subconsciously, into the pieces of their lives – the book on their coffee table; the thing that makes them laugh; their Netflix binge. These are the things that endear us to them, the things that make them complete, the things that reassure us of their quality.
And all the more so, when we feel ourselves falling in love. Of course we choose someone whose values we embrace; of course we choose someone whose worldview aligns with ours; but there are millions of people out there who meet those criteria. That’s not what draws us into loving someone.
It’s the corners of their mouth when they smile; it’s the emoji they add to the text; it’s the thing they say that you don’t expect, that little extra that offers up another piece of who they really are. It’s those little things we really fall in love with. Those little pieces are what make them work, and when we gather them up within ourselves, we find that we work a little better, too.
All of this often goes unnoticed. It happens beneath our threshold of consciousness, somewhere in the back of our minds. But imagine how much richer and fuller our experience can be, when we focus on those pieces, become more aware of them, and appreciate them to the fullest.
I suspect that our feelings about ourselves, our friends, and our Someone Special will grow warmer and deeper...
Comments