The two major domains of an ADD adult’s existence are the same two that every other adult inhabits: daily existence and relationships.
The ADD adult struggles with both. Daily existence, for the ADD adult, lacks the order and structure that are readily observable in the lives of most successful non-ADD adults. Relationships, on the other hand, are where the ADD adult strives to create structure and order, anything to bring stability to that most elusive and precious commodity, for which the ADD heart longs – stable connection.
Consequently, the ADD adult tries to be a relationship architect – designing the relationship in their mind, then building it to spec.
The ADD adult’s life, however, goes untended. And when things are left untended, they grow every which way, sometimes becoming a tangled mess. Think of a garden that is never gardened.
We ADD adults have it backwards.
Daily life is where architecture works. We can, and should, be planning our lives, designing the future we desire, and building it out each day, diligently bringing happy order and structure to our personal lives.
Relationships, however, don’t work that way. While they certainly require daily effort and diligence, they should be organic. We can’t “design” our connection to another person, especially not one we love. That descends into inauthentic behavior at best, manipulative behavior at worst. Relationships need to grow as they will, free to follow the sun – cultivated, rather than built.
Reversing these dynamics is hard work. But committing to that work is the difference between a happy and fruitful life and a confused and messy one; warm and healthy relationships, versus frantic and anxious ones.
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