Then again...
Could Batman do a credible job of being me?
Bear with me, here, I’m perfectly serious: can we ask whether Batman could pass as a nerd? And, if so, how big a nerd could we say he is?
We’ve established our criteria: a true nerd is intelligent... obsessed... and socially inept.
Let’s handle these one at a time.
Intelligent. I don’t think there’s any question here. Bruce Wayne/Batman is one of the brightest minds in all of comicdom. He is certainly a genius, able to juggle a financial empire and out-perform Gotham’s finest while matching wits with the most insidious, complex minds in his universe. In all of DC, only Lex Luthor compares, when it comes to sheer brain power.
And Batman’s brains are, we can say with certainty, nerd brains: we can credibly claim that he has a knack for dredging up the most niggling, arcane minutiae under the most distracting circumstances; he can spot the tell-tale detail in a crime scene so persistently as to get himself forever banned from Where’s Waldo tournaments; he can nit-pick inconsistencies in behavior with such uncanny precision that he will surely never enjoy a long-term relationship with a woman.
Obsession. Kee-rist! If Batman isn’t already a world-class poster boy for a nerd trait with the previous example, this one clinches it: in the dictionary, under obsession, we could reasonably expect his portrait.
Watching one’s parents murdered before one’s eyes can surely have such an effect: if Bruce Wayne’s destiny is a feature of undying manic passion, it is certainly well-motivated. An eight-year-old so traumatized, so suddenly abandoned, must unsurprisingly become utterly fixated not only on righting such a horrific wrong, but on just feeling safe in the world in general. Who wouldn’t be compelled to become a superhero, when the universe must feel so fragile and dark?
Then, too, it must take an unimaginable measure of obsession to stick with the job once you’ve landed it. Put yourself in Batman’s boots for a second here: imagine you’ve brought down the Joker. The Penguin. The Riddler. Killer Croc. The Mad Hatter. Bane. R’as al Ghul. One long round of that, aren’t you saying to yourself, Nope, Nope, Done, Outta here? But these monsters keep coming back, again and again and again. And he keeps putting them back in Arkham, again and again and again.
That’s obsession.
That leaves us with...
Social ineptitude. Finally, we have a nerd trait that isn’t clear-cut in Bruce Wayne!
On the one hand, he’s the Prince of Gotham, to the manner born and raised to assume a privileged position in society. His guardian Alfred certainly provided all the essential training as he grew, and he had to cultivate some social acumen to assume leadership of the Wayne financial empire.
But we can reasonably wonder how authentic this social facility really is. Consider, for instance, his breathtaking incompetence with women. He can only connect, it seems, by way of his own brokenness – relating to the women who attract him (Selena Kyle, Rachel Dawes) through his all-too-tragic victimhood. He doesn’t seem to know how to initiate a healthy sympatico based on his obvious reservoir of integrity and virtue.
To his credit, neither does he exploit women via his looks and wealth – he's anything but shallow – but can we call him inept?
It gets all the more complicated when we survey the different Batman exemplars. In the comics, Bruce Wayne is utterly competent, socially – no trace of the nerd on that one! Then we get to Adam West, who looks good on paper but who, if he existed in the actual world, would present as a hopeless dork. Michael Keaton? Clearly bursting with social competence when we see him entertaining in his home, but again, that staggering ineptitude even with women who clearly desire him.
Christian Bale? He’s so socially competent as to be the very model of efficiency when alienating Gotham high society, throwing them all out of his mansion with admirable aplumb. Ben Affleck? He can even survive in the social deep waters without bothering to smile; he can spar with an irritating Clark Kent or a smarmy Lex Luthor while nonchalantly offering up that chiseled jaw for society-page photographers.
That leaves only Robert Pattinson, and here I think we finally have our fully-qualified Bat nerd.
Battinson can’t be bothered with meeting people, for business or otherwise. Hell, he can’t be bothered with showering. When he does have to put on a coat and tie and be in public with other people, as he does at Mayor Mitchell’s funeral, he can barely be troubled to speak to anyone – even the new mayor-to-be. He can only connect with the young boy whose father was killed, and then only through eye contact.
Now that’s a nerd! He can’t get it on with his version of Selena Kyle, when she’s clearly willing; he can barely have a conversation with his Alfred; he has his Jim Gordon’s trust, but even manages to make that relationship surly.
And all the while, he’s braining it up in his contest with the Riddler; pursuing his holy quest even at the risk of all his family’s wealth. Intelligent... obsessed...
...and unwilling to shower.
That’s a Dark Nerd...
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