Fans of a certain age will remember the early Seventies, a singular era when psychedelia had let album-oriented rock into our bedrooms, where sexual soundtracks augmented erotic action lit by lava lamps.
The pacesetter among those soundtracks was Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon, by far the most well-suited to the purpose, with its gradually-intensifying rhythms, ethereal moods and the ecstatic female utterances of “The Great Gig in the Sky” - more babies were conceived to DSofM than any other 50 rock albums you might name, can we agree?
The interminable but substantial Yessongs, a three-disc live excursion into karmic bliss that emotes like crazy and enjoys dynamics more intense than Tristan Und Isolde, might be the strongest second place. Honorable mentions to Steely Dan’s Aja, for copulating intellectuals, Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours if you’re having break-up sex, and Tusk, if it’s just mindless animal lust.
What if you’re a die-hard Beatles fan? What album (let’s settle for an album side) most enhances copulation?
We can safely write off the first five albums or so, I think. Not much mood music there, and a vibrator-like sameness when it comes to structure and energy. Let’s look farther downline, into the studio era.
Revolver? Side One is a potential foreplay paradise, with the shifting grooves and tempi of “Taxman”, “Eleanor Rigby”, “I’m Only Sleeping” and the moody “Love You To”. It’s practically a tease manual! Until you get to that vibe-killing “Yellow Submarine” and reach for the remote.
Side Two? All over the place, no consistent groove, until “Tomorrow Never Knows”, which certainly has erotic potential – almost hypnotic. We’re better off just playing that one eight times in a row, probably.
What about Magical Mystery Tour? There’s some promising diddle to be found in the title track, to be sure, and the moody procession of “The Fool on the Hill”, “Flying”, and “Blue Jay Way” probably make for the kind of steadily-building energy you want in a truly great shag. And the side ends with “I Am the Walrus”, which is arguably a really strong climax. But between them, we stumble into “Your Mother Should Know”... and none of us wants that.
Surely the trusty White Album has potential?
We can write off Sides Two and Four up front. The former has little energy in its early tracks, and “I Will” and “Julia” will put us right to sleep when we should be at our peak (and you have to listen to Ringo in the middle). The latter, well, “Revolution No. 9”, complete with Yoko intoning, “You become naked.” Could there be a bigger buzz-kill?
Side Three has some promise, opening with the raucous “Birthday” and the rompy “Yer Blues” - good foreplay tunes! - and ends with “Helter Skelter”, certainly a great finish; but in between you’ve got “Mother Nature’s Son” and “Sexy Sady”, which are like stopping for phone calls from your aunt. And “Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey”, well... that’s like somebody farting during oral sex.
If there’s a White Album side to have sex to, it would be Side One, don’t you think?
“Back in the USSR” has that bodice-ripping energy, and there’s a long French kiss moment in “Dear Prudence”, and the thread of “Glass Onion” and “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" make for a steady build-up rhythm. And, hey, what could be better that “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” for the home stretch, with its literal moaning and wailing, followed by “Happiness is a Warm Gun” (which is an actual metaphor for orgasm!)?
Yeah, we almost get there, except for that idiotic “Wild Honey Pie”, which destroys whatever rhythm we’re getting from its predecessors, followed by “Bungalow Bill”, which stumbles rhythmically like a drunk on an ice patch. And Yoko.
Abbey Road is promising at first. I mean, there’s no song title in the entire Beatles canon more shag-minded than “Come Together”, right? “Something” is certainly a mood-builder, and “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)” might have been a direct inspiration of Dark Side of the Moon itself, as deeply passionate and hypnotic as anything the Beatles ever recorded. But then, “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer”. And “Octopus’s Garden”. Nope. Nope.
Side Two? Well, what woman wouldn’t want to be felt up to “Here Comes the Sun”? And “Because” is certainly a long-kiss tune. The medley is a masterpiece of mounting energy and steadily-building rhythms, itself ending very climactically.
But then... Queen Elizabeth. Nope. Nope.
But we have a refuge, Gentle Reader.
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
Side One looks good on paper; the two opening tracks – the title tune and “With a Little Help from My Friends” - have lots of support for good feel-up; and “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” is a great long-kiss tune. “Fixing a Hole” takes on a whole new meaning, and the bouncy “Getting Better” sets a good tempo for what comes next. Ah, but then “She’s Leaving Home” takes us all ¾, and that just doesn’t work, and “Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite” ruins everything, because clowns.
But there’s Side Two!
“Within You Without You”. Most people don’t much like this track, but what a great make-out tune! It’s all loopy, hypnotic energy. A great start, and then “When I’m Sixty-Four" - well, playful just works, when you’re on your way but not quite getting down to it. “Lovely Rita” actually has heavy breathing and an orgasm built in – certainly inspiring! - and “Good Morning Good Morning” has just the right tempo and punch (if you can push aside the barnyard images). Then comes the “Pepper” reprise, with its rapid pulse and soaring crescendo – followed by “A Day in the Life”, with its built-in tease pauses and two – count ‘em, two! - musical orgasms, in the frenetic orchestra swells. Then there’s that hyperextended E chord on the piano at the end – the perfect afterbliss.
What more could anyone ask for?
Your Kindly Author, then, enthusiastically recommends Pepper Side Two as your next sexual soundtrack. Try it out and report back!
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