On the Star Trek spin-off Deep Space 9, there are these two characters – Dr. Julian Bashir and Leeta, the Bajoran dabo girl – who have a relationship. It lasts over a year, and then they decide to wind it down. They engage in the Bajoran Rite of Separation – a gentle, benign termination of the relationship – and actually go to Risa, the Planet of Galactic Hedonism, to enact the ritual.
I guess it’s possible to view this as just a very civilized (and expensive) variation on our own sometime-custom of break-up sex, but even so, isn’t it compelling? Looking back on your own romantic errors, wouldn’t you love to gaze upon their endings with the mind’s eye and see something akin to Bashir and Leeta’s Risa?
Alas, the “I Truly Wish You Well” Ex is the rarest of treasures – and seldom, if ever, are both partners in a fracturing couple that sort of ex – what you’d need to pull off a Risa Rite of Separation.
Instead, we have an array of other types of exes...
The On-Again-Off-Again Ex. This Ex is an Ex that isn’t sure they’re an Ex. They leave, and then – like toe fungus – they come back. They seem certain enough in the moment of the break-up, but within days, they’re experiencing the cold, hard world of Singleness and drift back in over your transom.
The OAOA Ex, of course, is as Ex as Ex can be; they aren’t in it for you, and probably never were. The back-and-forth isn’t about their pining for you or inability to live without you – it's about how bad they are at living in general, and how much they need your more adult sensibilities to persevere, day to day. You’re their binky. Their chew toy. You know what to do with this one.
The I-Can't-Live-Without-You Ex. Despite many superficial similarities, the ICLWY Ex isn’t a mere variation on the OAOA Ex; yes, they share the tiresome trait of refusing to go away, but in the latter case, there’s very little of that indecisive oscillation. The relationship has ended, but they refuse to acknowledge it (which implies that you are the one who ended things).
The pacesetter in this arena is the character Jane in the excellent British sitcom Coupling, who is dumped by her boyfriend Steve but simply pretends their break-up never happened, or didn’t count. Steve’s buddy Jeff has a term for such an ex - “Unflushable”.
The prominent variation on the ICLWY is The Whiner, who acknowledges the break-up but keeps begging endlessly for a second chance. And, in all fairness, there are times when an Ex is worthy of a second chance – but no such Ex ever begs for one, right?
The Pretender. This Ex is one of the most insidious. We see this one in scenarios where the couple has many shared friends, and one partner seeks to annex as many of them as possible. That Ex proceeds to mischaracterize the other to the friends, and to minimize the depth and intensity of the now-ended relationship.
Mind you, that same Ex may have, at one point, imagined romantic excursions to points far and wide, a lifetime of adventure and passion sealed eventually by a houseful of happy children – but they will never acknowledge those now-extinguished feelings, to their ex-partner or to their friends. Instead, they now pretend that they never felt all that great about their rejected partner to begin with, and think nothing of disparaging them to their mutual friends.
The shining light here is Lt. Carolyn Palamas in the classic Star Trek episode “Who Mourns for Adonis?”, who is wooed by a buff and handsome alien who was once the Greek god Apollo. After they begin a relationship, she realizes that it is her duty to reject him, which she proceeds to do:
“Surely you know I’ve only been studying you,” she tells him.
He is aghast. He has, after all, just put a baby in her.
“I don’t believe it!” he gasps. “You love me!”
...and she delivers the best Pretender line ever:
“Love you? Why, I could no more love you than I could love... a new species of bacteria...”
The I-Will-End-You Ex. This Ex is surprised to suddenly be an Ex, doesn’t want to be an Ex, and is subsequently vengeful. How dare you reject me? That’s the substance of it.
It should go without saying that such a person isn’t really worthy to be partnered with anyone, and has lots of work to do on themselves. But whether they do or don’t, there is generally a period when the vengeance flares like a Friday night football bonfire, and all kinds of ugliness ensues.
This happened on The Newsroom when Slone Sabbith broke up with a boyfriend after a rompy Christmas, where she gave him a camera and he proceeded to take lots of naughty pictures of her. After the break-up, he posted the pictures on a revenge porn website – a heinous act to begin with, but all the more complicated as Slone was a famous cable news anchor.
She proceeded to show up at a business meeting where he was among colleagues, walked up to him and broke his nose with one decisive, well-placed punch.
The You-Are-Dead-to-Me Ex. This Ex goes from 120 mph to 0 in five seconds. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship lasted; it doesn’t matter how much they once loved the abandoned partner or what happened to cause the break-up. They just walk away, and can’t be bothered with irksome little nuisances like closure or mutual respect.
Even though this partner is the one who ended things, such an ending raises suspicions about their own fitness for the relationship. Any healthy adult who is competent to give and receive love is generally able to have that final word, as a healthy processing of emotional change – or, if nothing else, as a matter of polite protocol. If they can’t - well, something’s terribly wrong somewhere.
While not a perfect exemplar, the following exchange between ex-lovers Josh Lyman and Amy Gardner from The West Wing can at least illustrate the dynamic.
Josh: I don't think I'm getting enough credit for saying this for your own good.
Amy: Don't talk to me.
Josh: Look...
Amy: Don't talk to me.
Josh: We're changing the sub-
Amy: You're talking to me.
Josh: Perhaps...
Amy: Don't talk to me.
Josh: I should just sit here?
Amy: Yes.
Josh: And?
Amy: Not talk to me.
Josh: Amy...
Amy: I have wit, I have charm, I have brains, I have legs that go all the way down to the floor, my friend.
Josh: You don't have to...
Amy: Don't talk to me.
That one ends funny, but of course it really isn’t, in the real world.
Sad to say, my Gentle Reader will see some familiar stuff above. We’ve all been there, on one end of this or the other. You’ve had one or more of these Exes. You’ve been one or more of these Exes.
What can I say? I wish you Risa...
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