My Congressional Resume!

I don’t know about you, but this George Santos business has made me quite hopeful.

It’s been often said that one of the great positives about our country is that anyone can become president – and, by extension, anyone can be a Congressperson. We’ve certainly seen that theory tested to its very limit in recent years, but with the election of George Santos, it’s been taken to a whole new level.

Santos, the 34-year-old, newly-elected representative for the New York 3rd, rode to Congress on a platform focused on the issues of inflation, education, and public safety. As the son of Brazilian immigrants and the first openly-gay Republican elected to Congress, he was a bit of a get for the GOP – someone who would vote as instructed but who looked very bipartisan under media scrutiny.

The media scrutiny didn’t turn out so well. The freshman Congressman’s claims of having graduated from Baruch College and worked for Citigroup and Goldman Sachs were lies; his animal rescue start-up Friends of Pets United isn’t registered as a non-profit, and funds raised for it were never received, according to a Times investigation; and his claim that he owned 13 rental properties is unsupported by any records of property ownership at all.

And he claimed that his mother was Jewish; that his grandmother fled Ukraine for Brazil during World War II; that he himself is a practicing Catholic, but a non-observant Jew. That his mother survived the 9/11 attacks and died of cancer a few years later (in fact, she died in 2016). All false.

On the other hand, there’s a lot that is true about George Santos that hasn’t made it into his resume: he rented two properties in Queens in 2015 and 2017 and was served with eviction notices due to more than $12,000 in unpaid rents; he says he supported LBGTQ rights, but failed to disclose his previous marriage; while in Brazil with his mother (who is a nurse) in 2008, he was charged with fraud after allegedly stealing a checkbook from one of her patients and spending more than $700 of her money on clothes.

And the GOP response to all of this, now that Santos is about to be seated in Congress? Nada. Not a word.

Do you see where I’m headed with this? If it’s actually possible to completely fabricate a persona, a backstory, and qualifications in order to rise to one of the highest elected offices in the land, imagine what I myself could achieve!

To this end, I’ve been drafting my GOP resume for my Congress run. See what you think:

The youngest son of two gay Southern Baptist Armenian refugee shopkeepers, Scott Robinson distinguished himself early in his academic career, brokering mortgage-backed security purchases in his junior high school, against which he shrewdly purchased a number of credit default swaps. He invested his copious profits in ExxonMobile, earning him an apprenticeship under future Secretary of State Rex Tillerson upon graduation.

Attending Princeton on Exxon’s dime, he continued his tutelage under Tillerson while earning his business and political science degrees, soon repositioning himself as Tillerson’s most trusted advisor. He augmented his busy schedule by coaching a grade-school lacrosse team in nearby Trenton, crafting designer handbags for Gucci, and playing the flugelhorn in the New Brunswick symphony orchestra, where he met future rock legend Jon Bon Jovi and served for a time as his personal microphone tech. During these years, he augmented his creative portfolio by inventing the answering machine.

Feeling a need to answer his country’s call, he volunteered for the US Navy Seals and served two tours in Iraq, where he personally blew up two hospitals and a flea market, and pioneered the use of surveillance drones for covert intelligence gathering and witness intimidation.

A provisional supporter of LGBTQ citizens in his district, the California 47th, he earned his gay rights credentials while on an MIT fellowship solving cold fusion, mating with a number of androgynous robots.

Charities founded by Robinson include a GoFundMe site dedicated to producing a Barry Goldwater biopic and a foundation dedicated to the revival of the eight-track tape.

It’s sure to be a hit!

It won’t matter that I’m German-Scottish and native to Kentucky, or that I never played the flugelhorn, and don’t know what a credit default swap is, and never even tried out for the Seals, and only ever mated with two androgynous robots. It will make no difference, per George Santos, that my entire story is an ingenious, convenient fabrication. The GOP expects me to lie; that I can do so with credibility and panache is the message of my Congressional resume!

They don’t need any competence or meaningful experience or integrity from me. Those attributes are superfluous – because I can provide the one thing they care about, the one thing that gives me value: my vote.