Those of us who are deeply into Star Trek are well-acquainted with the Mirror Universe, a kind of alternate reality that looks almost exactly like ours, but where all of our positives are negatives and all our negatives are positives. We first visited this twisted place in the original series episode “Mirror, Mirror”, and went back in Deep Space 9 and Enterprise.
On that first outing, Kirk and three other Enterprise folks – McCoy, Scotty, and Uhura – beam up to the ship from a planet while an ion storm is in progress and find themselves aboard a different Enterprise in a different universe. They are dressed in slightly different uniforms, and the crew of this alternate ship behave differently than their own. This new place, it turns out, is a universe not governed by the benign Federation, but ruled mercilessly by the Terran Empire. In the act of beaming up, they have switched places with their evil twins, who are now in their own universe, aboard their own ship.
On this evil Enterprise, cruelty is the norm; officers move up in station through assassination; and our beloved Spock has a beard. It is essentially a pirate ship, and its version of Kirk – now stranded in the normal Trek universe – is a brutal opportunist who eliminates his enemies without a second thought.
Mind you, it’s not always that simple: in the DS9 events in the Mirror Universe, Major Kira is evil, but others aren’t necessarily possessed of antithetical character; O’Brien, for instance, is much the same, but hapless.
So I got to wondering: what would Mirror Universe me be like?
It’s hard to picture myself as a cutthroat tyrant (I don’t possess the requisite skills), I’d rather be comatose than hapless, and I can’t imagine myself with a goatee. But I suppose it’s possible to conjure a mirror image of Uncle Scott.
To wit:
Mirror Universe Me hates the Beatles, and worships Elvis.
Mirror Universe Me thinks people who play chess are sad, and whiles away idle hours with Angry Birds.
Mirror Universe Me hasn’t read a book since college, and subscribes to People Magazine.
Mirror Universe Me thinks Star Wars is vastly superior to Star Trek.
Mirror Universe Me can’t stand this universe’s band Yes, much preferring their mirror incarnation No.
Mirror Universe Me has no use for red wine; a Bud Lite is the default!
Mirror Universe Me would have voted for Trump in this universe; but, of course, in the Mirror Universe, it is Joe Biden who is the tyrant of choice, and Donald Trump is the second coming of this universe’s Jimmy Carter.
Mirror Universe Me would be an Evangelical in this universe – but not in the Mirror Universe, where Evangelicals, you know, follow Jesus.
Mirror Universe Me much prefers the Walking Dead to The West Wing.
Mirror Universe Me would never, ever join a band that played classic rock; he’d seek out a gig covering Anthrax and Megadeth.
Mirror Universe Me could not be bothered to write about progressive humanism, much preferring to focus on apocalyptic horror.
Mirror Universe Me can’t be bothered to cook; the go-to is pork gyros with tzatziki and mustard, via DoorDash.
Mirror Universe Me has no use for mundane pets like dogs or cats, instead keeping gilas in a glass tank in the living room and a pair of cassowaries in a backyard pen.
Mirror Universe Me has a poster of Ronald Reagan in his living room.
Mirror Universe Me thinks Batman is a sissy. And thinks Elton John needs Jesus.
Then again...
When Kirk and company had their adventure on the other side, they took note that the moral ambiguity was not all-pervasive; reason could have its day, depending on the player. Mirror Universe Spock, for instance, could be prevailed upon to do the right thing, if it made sense. “You’re a man of integrity in both universes, Mr. Spock,” Kirk declares.
Mirror Universe Me, then, might be brought across from the dark side, given a well-crafted argument: chess as zero-sum conquest, maybe? Bud Lite tastes like horse urine? Trek Klingons can kick stormtrooper ass?
And, who knows, maybe I could rock a goatee?
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