This one is big.
It can happen anytime, anywhere, in any context. Our grasshopper minds are listening to others and racing at the same time. Our impulsivity grabs the nearest thought, and BAM! gives unfortunate voice to it.
In a group, that can mean saying something that might be hilarious in another context, or if phrased differently. It might mean saying something that isn’t on-topic at all. It might mean saying something devastatingly inappropriate.
Our social filter has failed us, because our impulsivity caused us to bypass it.
"Oh, shit - I can’t believe I said that!!!”
That’s what we’re saying inside, as the laughter that didn’t occur settles around us.
And what do we do next? We fake it. We pretend we meant to say it, and act as if nothing is out of place. Someone jumps in with something new, to break the silence, and we pray to Zeus that we haven’t turned red.
It’s much, much worse in a one-on-one with our partner or a close friend. In that situation, it might be more than idle conversation going on. And inappropriate comments – humor, in particular – might be deeply offensive, impossible to circumvent. And our partner or friend is going to call us out.
And what do we do? We still try to fake it! We still try to cover the lapse and pretend we meant to say what we said.
“Well, I was just trying to lighten the mood...”
And, thereby, we make it much worse.
I was once a master of the Inappropriate Comment! I could bring group discussion to a crashing halt right out of the blue, regardless of topic or context. And I could alienate even the closest friend or partner with just the right touch of outlandish, offensive dismissal of an important matter – all by complete accident.
I overcame it through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which I believe to be a strong ADD adult go-to, when one is looking for relief and solutions. CBT is a methodology that trains us to step outside of thoughts that take us down the wrong path, allowing us to critically self-correct. It’s like an alarm system in the brain that will warn of an approaching ADD moment. It isn’t perfect, but it can boost our success level tremendously.
Because CBT won’t save us every time, and we will still blurt out the wrong thing from time to time, our partner or friend should be prepped for it. Otherwise, any attempt to explain our comment after-the-fact will sound really lame – like a desperate excuse. Try something like this:
“Remember how I told you my brain runs at high speed, all the time? That, combined with my impulsiveness, causes me to sometimes say the wrong thing. You know how sometimes you say something to someone and it just doesn’t work? It can be embarrassing. It really embarrasses me, and I don’t want to feel that way around you. Just like when I zone out, it isn’t intentional, and I really don’t want you to take it personally. Can you forgive me in advance, and point it out to me when it happens? I’ll really appreciate your help in this.”
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