These are the great cultural clichés applied to both ADHD children and adults.
“You’re lazy!” - because we aren’t working on what we’re supposed to be working on.
“You’re insensitive!” - because we say the wrong thing or zone out on others.
“You’re irresponsible!” - because we didn’t get something done on time or didn’t show up when we should have.
Almost all of us have been shamed with one or more of these accusations, usually frequently. The horror of this disconnect is that it starts when we are very young, and then never lets up. It drives us underground as we stumble into adulthood, forcing us into a life of pretense and cover-up, learning to make excuses and to suppress the parts of our personalities that contribute to our out-of-sync reality.
A new friend or partner, unprepared for the differences we harbor and the behaviors they will see, might come to these same off-base conclusions. We should address them early on.
“I’m not lazy!”
The ADD adult certainly is not lazy; we are engines of industry, often full of inspiration and dedication to a goal. We will, in fact, go way overboard in executing some tasks, becoming the opposite of lazy. Our issue is maintaining attention when the task is something that doesn’t engage our industry; we certainly want to get it done, because it matters to someone else – but our dopamine receptors won’t align. This needs to be explained to our partner or friend:
“My brain doesn’t always cooperate, and I need to explain that this is beyond my control and not in accordance with my wishes. There may be times when something needs to get done, and I won’t be getting it done. I may need encouragement and patience when that happens. I’ll be open to your nudges, and very accepting of your help.”
“I’m not insensitive!”
We are, if anything, oversensitive in just about every way! Our emotional responses run deep, our empathy runs deep, and we feel things with great intensity – we even feel the emotions of others with great intensity!
Even so, because of our impulsivity and the speed of our thoughts – combined with our brownouts – we can sometimes come off as uninterested in others, or even rude.
It’s entirely likely that this will happen with our partner or a close friend, if it hasn’t already. It’s likely you’ve had this happen many times. It’s important to let the people in our lives know that it might, because otherwise when it does, we look that much worse when our explanations descend into excuse. Lead with something like this:
“Sometimes I zone out without meaning to. It’s not something I can really control, and I don’t want you take it personally if it does. Just shake me a bit and I’ll snap out of it! And sometimes I might interrupt you – that, too, is accidental. My thoughts run fast and I blurt things out impulsively. Feel free to point out when I do this!”
“I’m not irresponsible!”
Few things are tougher for an ADD adult than meeting deadlines. We have little sense of time, compared to others, and we easily fall away from our schedules. The result is often the loss of a job, the perpetual anger of our families and friends, and the cultivation of a reputation for unreliability.
In our hearts, we know this is unfair – but it’s understandable, from their perspective. Right?
Much can be done about this. We have technology that can do a great deal to nudge us back on track, from cell phone notifications to reminders to the digital assistants, like Alexa, in our homes.
There’s a darker aspect to this problem, however, and in these shadows, we are perhaps more culpable.
Often, we avoid some tasks or responsibilities altogether, because they intimidate or frighten us or fill us with dread, because we fear failing. And so we do fail, by not even trying.
We avoid some responsibilities altogether, and that never ends well, does it?
Both of these scenarios can and should be addressed:
“Sometimes I lose track of when I’m supposed to have something done. This makes my working life tougher, and it happens in my personal life, too. When I’m falling behind, your encouragement will help. I don’t mean I need you to be my keeper or my alarm clock, but letting me know I’ve capable and that I’ve got this will be big motivators. And sometimes I might avoid something that frightens me – making me feel capable is even more important then. Thank you in advance!”
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