Gunga Din in Schools

[Written in 1984, lost, and recently rediscovered]

WASHINGTON – The following is a partial transcript of an impromptu press conference held by Sen. Fred Brown (R-Ky) early this week on the steps of the Capitol:

Q: Senator Brown, in light of the President’s reference to the Gunga Din in Schools issue during his recent State of the Union address, would you reiterate your own stance on that issue?

Brown: Certainly. As I’ve said before, I’m behind the President all the way on this one. I wholeheartedly support the revision of any and all statutes that forbid or otherwise restrict the recitation of “Gunga Din” in our public schools.

Q: Senator, would you clarify – are you referring to private recitation or mandatory group recitation under the direction of teachers or school officials?

Brown: I do not advocate mandatory recitation. However, I see nothing wrong with allowing a student – or a teacher, for that matter —to recite “Gunga Din” privately if he or she feels the need. Nor do I see anything objectionable in small groups of students reciting “Gunga Din” together, if they do so in an orderly fashion and of their own volition.

Q: But not under the supervision of teachers or school officials...

Brown: As a general rule, no, although I could hardly speak out against a teacher who would lead a class in a recitation of “Gunga Dun” during, for instance, a time of national crisis-

Q: But surely, Senator, that would be considered discriminatory?

Brown: Not at all. While I personally recite “Gunga Din”, I firmly advocate the right of all citizens to recite the poetry of their choice. I envision a time – in the near future, mind you! – when a student might recite, for example, “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” as his classmates recite “Gunga Din”, without fear of discrimination or persecution.

Q: Does that include, Senator, poetry by such controversial poets as lord Byron?

Brown: Absolutely. Even Byron, insofar as he is recognized by our government as a legitimate poet.

Q: Senator Brown, in your opinion, why does the voting public feel so strongly about this issue?

Brown: I think the people of America feel strongly about it because it deals with our basic constitutional freedoms. We are, after all, a poetry-loving people, with a proud poetic heritage. Why, I feel just plain good about this country, knowing my kids can freely recite “Gunga Din” whenever they feel moved to do so.

Q: How would you respond, Senator, to remarks made by the administration’s opposition that the Gunga Din in Schools issue is simply crafty misdirection, a grass-roots appeal to the emotions of the populace over a question that is basically meaningless?

Brown: I think it’s nonsense. The President and our party have worked long and hard to have this fundamental privilege recognized. There are those who would deny our children their right to recite, and I agree with the President that this faction represents a clear and present danger to our way of life. Why, I personally have overheard the President reciting “Gunga Din” to himself in times of crisis. I feel confident that he will devote even more time and energy to this question after he is reelected.

Q: Senator, your oldest son, Fred Jr., was recently seen in public wearing a bright plaid kilt, dancing frivolously about and reciting “Green Grow the Rashes, O!” Do you now, or have you ever supported a revival of Robert Burns, and if so –

Brown: No more questions...